Star Trek: Nemesis: The Abridged Script
Rod Hilton of The Editing Room writes abridged movie scripts for us to enjoy. If you are into movies at all and don't take your obsession too seriously, visit his site. I like the way these abridged scripts manage to lay the finger on the bad aspects of some movies. In a way, they are movie criticisms in the form of parodies. That's why these abridged scripts work best for the really inferior movies out there.
I took the liberty of writing an abridged script for a very bad movie that was
released late 2002/early 2003: 'Star Trek: Nemesis.' Rod hasn't yet done this one, and I think it deserves his treatment, so here's my version. Incidentally, perhaps you know of the legend that even-numbered Star Trek movies are worthwhile, while odd-numbered ones suck the big one are less enjoyable. Well, this tenth movie seriously manages to break that chain.
Warning: This text contains spoilers! Don't read it if you still want to enjoy (if that is possible) this movie.
STAR TREK: NEMESIS: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
By Pieter Spronck
FADE IN:
INT. ROMULAN MEETING ROOM
A Romulan council is in session.
FIRST ROMULAN
They beat Kahn! They beat the
Borg! Now, for their tenth movie,
the crew of the Enterprise should
meet the ultimate enemy: the
Romulans!
SECOND ROMULAN
(incredulously)
WE are the ultimate enemy? Look at
our stupid clothes and our silly
haircuts! Come on! No sane
audience will buy that!
FIRST ROMULAN
Alright. In that case, let's call
in our brothers the Remans, who,
surprisingly, physically have a lot
in common with second-rate goblins.
SECOND ROMULAN
Fine. Excuse me while I die in a
disgusting way.
FIRST ROMULAN
Be my guest. That's on my schedule
too.
The finale of RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK plays. The
whole council dies.
EXT. HOLODECK SIMULATION OF A MEADOW
A wedding reception is in progress.
WHOOPI GOLDBERG
Hi! Remember me? I had a guest
role in the series! Oops, my time
is up. Bye!
WIL WHEATON
I also have a cameo! Too late, you
missed me.
GATES MACFADDEN
At least you two were MEANT to be
cameos. I am actually supposed to
play a major part in this movie,
but unfortunately this is about it
for me too.
PATRICK STEWART
Silence, please. Will all the
MINOR CHARACTERS stop trying to
take screentime from me and my pal
Brent? Good. Now listen to my
wedding speech.
(scrapes throat)
Dear friends, we have gathered
together here to listen to me
making embarrassing jokes and to
endure Brent's singing.
Fortunately an admiral now calls me
away to get the action going.
PATRICK STEWART leaves the party and goes to his ready
room.
INT. READY ROOM
KATE MULGREW
Excuse my awkward cameo. You must
go to Romulus to negotiate peace,
or some shit like that. Make
haste. As always, the future of
the Federation depends on YOU.
PATRICK STEWART
Right. I'll immediately follow
your orders, after I have taken a
detour to needlessly put my life in
danger on some desert planet.
EXT. SOME DESERT PLANET
PATRICK STEWART, MICHAEL DORN and BRENT SPINER are
exiting a shuttle in a turbo golf cart. PATRICK is
behind the wheel.
MICHAEL DORN
Sir! Permit me to offer the
suggestion that Brent or I do the
driving, sir.
PATRICK STEWART
Listen, Michael. As you know, I am
a wise, thoughtful, responsible,
erudite man, whose main thrills
consist of archeology, Shakespeare
and having breakfast with Gates
MacFadden. Obviously I am the best
man to drive this vehicle.
MICHAEL DORN
Why is that, sir?
PATRICK STEWART
(laughing maniacally)
Because I just luuuuv reckless
driving! Tally-ho!
The golf cart spurts away leaving a cloud of dust
behind. After scaring the heebeejeebies out of a couple
of sand bunnies, it comes to a screeching halt near an
artifact.
PATRICK STEWART
(examining the artifact)
Isn't that your head, Brent?
BRENT SPINER
It certainly looks like it, sir.
PATRICK STEWART
How did it get here?
BRENT SPINER
Obviously someone got hold of a
copy of me, took it apart and
spread the parts out over a
dangerous planet, so we could pick
them all up and put them back
together again.
PATRICK STEWART
How the hell did somebody get hold
of a copy of you?
BRENT SPINER
You are not supposed to ask that,
sir.
PATRICK STEWART
Isn't the audience going to wonder?
BRENT SPINER
Not if we have an exciting chase
scene just about now, sir.
They manage to escape from a rather uninspired assault
by MAD MAX rejects and return to the ENTERPRISE.
INT. ENGINEERING
BRENT SPINER proceeds to construct a duplicate of
himself. LEVAR BURTON lends him a hand, in a desperate
attempt to show the audience that, yes, he still is
part of the crew.
B4 BRENT
I am an earlier model dr. Soong
constructed of you, Brent.
BRENT SPINER
Intriguing.
B4 BRENT
What, there being an earlier model
of you?
BRENT SPINER
No, the fact that the writers
imagined the viewers would think B4
is a clever name. But now you
mention it, how come dr. Soong
never talked about you, neither
while alive nor in his extensive
notes?
B4 BRENT
(beeps)
ERROR. Please restate question.
BRENT SPINER
(sighs)
How come your parts were strewn all
over that planet?
B4 BRENT
It was a clever ruse to get you to
build yourself an enemy spy on your
ship.
BRENT SPINER
That's some plan, indeed. But I
know what to do.
B4 BRENT
What?
BRENT SPINER
First I'll dump my complete memory
banks into you and then I'll let
you roam free about the ship.
B4 BRENT
Your memory banks? Why?
BRENT SPINER
To create an obvious replacement
for myself for future movies in
case I need to valiantly sacrifice
myself during this one. Now go do
your spying while I burst into a
song.
EXT. DEEP SPACE
The ENTERPRISE is met by the SCIMITAR.
INT. DARK ROOM ABOARD THE SCIMITAR
PATRICK STEWART, accompanied by some major characters
whose scenes unfortunately ended up on the cutting room
floor, beams into the room. TOM HARDY makes a dramatic
entrance.
PATRICK STEWART
Who are you?
TOM HARDY
I am your clone. I am a younger
version of you! I have had a
terrible youth and therefore I am
eeeeevil!
PATRICK STEWART
No way you are a clone of me. We
look nothing alike.
TOM HARDY
You are bald. I am bald. What
more do you want?
PATRICK STEWART
Actually, at your age I still had
some hair.
TOM HARDY
Alright, I admit, I shaved my head
for the occasion. But I AM your
clone. Isn't it scary to meet an
evil version of yourself who still
has the strength of youth?
PATRICK STEWART
Not really, since you are obviously
very ill and dying. How did you
come into being anyway?
TOM HARDY
That's quite a convoluted story,
but if you're interested in hearing
it, I'll gladly explain it all.
PATRICK STEWART
(yawns)
No thanks, we really should get
some action going soon. Just tell
me what you want from me.
TOM HARDY
As you already noted, I am dying.
I need some of your uncontaminated
DNA to stop the process and become
your ultimate nemesis.
PATRICK STEWART
I suppose, now I am defenseless and
totally under your control, you are
going to forcefully take it from my
body, aren't you?
TOM HARDY
Interestingly enough, I am going to
do no such thing. I will send you
back to your ship, so I can spend
the rest of the movie hunting you
down for your precious DNA.
PATRICK STEWART
Oh good.
PATRICK STEWART and his tag-alongs return to the
ENTERPRISE.
INT. HONEYMOON QUARTERS
JONATHAN FRAKES and MARINA SIRTIS are enjoying
each other's company.
MARINA SIRTIS
I'll now undress and pretend to
have sex with you, Jonathan.
JONATHAN FRAKES
Couldn't you have shown nudity
fifteen years ago when you were
still in your early thirties?
MARINA SIRTIS
Shut up. This is the only way to
ensure at least some of my scenes
will not end up in the trash can.
They start doing the nasty. Suddenly, MARINA finds she
is being humped by TOM HARDY.
MARINA SIRTIS
How can you?! I am old enough to be
your mother!
She gets mentally violated but we don't really care.
Soon after PATRICK STEWART is captured.
INT. PRISON CELL ABOARD THE SCIMITAR
TOM HARDY has put PATRICK STEWART in chains.
PATRICK STEWART
So, are you going to take my DNA
now?
TOM HARDY
No, there'll be plenty of time for
that later. I will leave you alone
for a while to direct my ship
towards Earth so I can destroy it
with my Evil Weapon.
PATRICK STEWART
Good, then Brent can help me
escape.
TOM HARDY leaves. BRENT SPINER enters.
BRENT SPINER
Quickly, sir. I have a tiny
transporter with me that will beam
one of us over to the Enterprise.
Take it and get out of here. I am
in no immediate danger here and
will escape some other way.
PATRICK STEWART
You didn't think of bringing TWO of
those tiny transporters?
BRENT SPINER
(beeps)
ERROR. Please restate question.
PATRICK STEWART
(pondering)
Obviously the safety of Earth is
our first priority. As long as Tom
needs my DNA, he will focus his
attention on me and leave Earth
alone. Therefore, the wisest
course of action for me is to use
the transporter to escape...
BRENT SPINER offers him the tiny transporting device.
PATRICK STEWART (CONT'D)
But no. Let's fight a legion of
Remans, steal a shuttle, replay the
STAR WARS assault on the Death Star
scene and escape together.
They perform this exciting sounding feat which
unfortunately comes over as rather stale.
EXT. DEEP SPACE
The ENTERPRISE speeds back to Earth, followed by the
SCIMITAR. The SCIMITAR disables the ENTERPRISE's warp
drives. A big LASER SHOW of the kind we have watched
dozens of times before follows until the ENTERPRISE
lies dead in space.
INT. BRIDGE OF THE ENTERPRISE
BRENT SPINER
We have no weapons or shields left
and can barely move. I guess Tom
will very soon send his troops over
to capture you again.
PATRICK STEWART
I'll blow the Enterprise up!
BRENT SPINER
Please! That has been done to
death! Let's pretend the auto-
destruct mechanism has failed.
PATRICK STEWART
(remembering BEN HUR)
Okay then: RAMMING SPEED!
BRENT SPINER
You want to RAM the Scimitar? But
it still has shields up while ours
are down!
PATRICK STEWART
Sh! Watch the INCREDIBLY COOL
crash scene!
EXT. DEEP SPACE
The ENTERPRISE rams the SCIMITAR in a COOL though
TERRIBLY DRAWN-OUT sequence.
INT. BRIDGE OF THE ENTERPRISE
BRENT SPINER
That WAS cool!
PATRICK STEWART
It was, wasn't it? You no longer
think this movie is boring, don't
you?
BRENT SPINER
I wouldn't go THAT far...
PATRICK STEWART
In that case, we'll do it again,
but now IN REVERSE!
EXT. DEEP SPACE
The ramming scene is shown again in reverse.
INT. BRIDGE OF THE ENTERPRISE
BRENT SPINER
What good did this all do?
PATRICK STEWART
It was the best thing this movie
had to offer. So stop complaining.
They then notice that TOM HARDY has activated his EVIL
WEAPON to wipe out everyone on board the ENTERPRISE
in a manner that will destroy all organic material
whatsoever, making sure that none of PATRICK's DNA will
be left to cure him. Fortunately, the EVIL WEAPON
takes several minutes to power up.
BRENT SPINER
What are we going to do now?
PATRICK STEWART
Tom Hardy wants my DNA. He and his
men are all in his ship. I am
going to beam over there.
BRENT SPINER
WHY????
PATRICK STEWART
(beeps)
ERROR. Please restate question.
PATRICK STEWART transports himself to the SCIMITAR,
without any means of return.
BRENT SPINER
I guess he forgot to take that tiny
transporter we didn't yet use. I
better go over there to bring it to
him.
He does.
INT. BRIDGE OF THE SCIMITAR
BRENT SPINER arrives just in time to see PATRICK
STEWART and TOM HARDY re-enact a scene from EXCALIBUR.
He hands the tiny transporter to PATRICK and sends him
on his way.
BRENT SPINER
I'll now hang around till the very
last second before blowing up this
ship.
He does so and goes down in a BLAZE OF GLORY.
INT. READY ROOM
PATRICK STEWART is in conversation with B4 BRENT.
PATRICK STEWART
Will you replace Brent as our local
android in the next movie?
B4 BRENT starts singing "My Way".
END
© 2003 by Pieter Spronck